


What would you do if he slapped my ass? Attend your funeral

by Lewdsuke



Series: Iwaizumi/Oikawa [8]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Butt Slapping, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Explicit Language, Humor, I'm Not Sorry Actually, I'm Sorry, Iwaizumi Hajime Swears, M/M, Minor Violence, Mistakes, Neck Kissing, Oikawa's Tooru's serve, Pain, Piss, RIP Iwaizumi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-20
Updated: 2019-05-20
Packaged: 2020-03-08 09:57:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18892294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lewdsuke/pseuds/Lewdsuke
Summary: Iwaizumi wonders what would happen if Oikawa slapped him as hard as he can serve the ball.





	What would you do if he slapped my ass? Attend your funeral

It was warm, cloudy evening as Iwaizumi, Hanamaki, and Matsukawa walked home together. Oikawa has left early, having to look after his nephew that day. There was a light breeze that that felt so nice as it blew through the trees, causing the flowers that decorated them to fall. The birds chirped and sang around them. Iwaizumi took a deep breath and got a big whiff of the delicious smells coming from the bakery as they passed it by. The grass was freshly cut and the distant sounds of chatter from the nearby stores were pleasant on the ear. It would’ve made for a beautiful picture, and Iwaizumi couldn’t help but smile as he was lost in thoughts, overwhelmed by his senses and the tranquility of the neighborhood. His friends even seemed at peace, not cracking jokes as they usually were, but instead just taking in the beauty alongside Iwaizumi. The world was a beautiful place, was what Iwaizumi thought.

 

What he said, however, was: “What do you think would happen if Oikawa slapped me as hard as he serves the ball?”

 

Matsukawa and Hanamaki choked.

 

———

 

They didn’t mean to tell Oikawa, really. Or maybe they did. It was hard to tell. Either way, Matsukawa and Hanamaki stood as far back as they could from Iwaizumi’s impending doom.

 

The poor soul. He was talking to Kindaichi, a smile on his face as he spoke to his underclassmen. He didn’t know what what was coming. That  _poor_  man. He looked so content, so  _naive_. Iwaizumi had such a pleasant expression, oblivious to his fast-approaching end.

 

Just a few words, and he’d arranged his own death.

 

At least, that’s what Matsukawa and Hanamaki told themselves. After all, how could they  _not_  tell Oikawa? It was over and done now. Iwaizumi was a good ace, and that’s how they’d honor him.

 

Kindaichi eyed Oikawa suspiciously, but didn’t speak up when his dear captain held a finger to his lips to silence him. Oh, what a mistake.

 

**_S L A P_ **

****

It happened so fast. Iwaizumi screeched. He  _screeched_ and stumbled forward, lucky Kindaichi was there to catch him. He stood there, knees bent, holding his ass with both hands, shoulders shaking in fury.

 

“OIKAWA TOORU WHAT THE _FUCK_ IS WRONG WITH YOU JESUS _CHRIST_ ARE YOU SHITTING ME THAT _HURT_.”

 

“Eheh, Iwa-chan—“

 

“DAMMIT, I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD YOU’RE _DEAD_ I AM GOING TO WRING YOUR GODDAMN NECK.”

 

Oikawa didn’t even have time to react as Iwaizumi lunged at him, holding him in a headlock. Matsukawa and Hanamaki grew a bit concerned when Iwaizumi’s grip didn’t loosen after a bit, and they thought he might actually strangle Oikawa.

 

Yahaba, as the captain’s loyal predecessor, intervened and pulled Iwaizumi off of Oikawa. It didn’t take much, actually, because Iwaizumi’s ass hurt like a motherfucker (or so he yelled a couple times as he choked the life out of his best friend).

 

Oikawa coughed and spluttered and  _grinned,_ the masochistic douche bag.

 

Before anyone could stop him, Iwaizumi took a fistful of Oikawa’s hair and dragged him outside. The gym was silent, mortified. The silence ended not long after, though, because they could hear Oikawa’s panicked voice outside and a couple whimpers and a thud. Not long after  _that_ , Oikawa trudged back into the gym, walking right up to Matsukawa and Hanamaki. His cheek was puffy and his lip busted, but he smiled nonetheless.

 

“I think you should take me to the nurse.”

 

“Where’s Iwaizumi?” Asked Hanamaki.

 

“He said he was going to piss in my gym bag.”

 

“You didn’t stop him?” Asked Matsukawa.

 

“He said if I did, he’d piss on me.”

 

“Kinky,” said Matsukawa and Hanamaki.

 

———

 

Iwaizumi had a permanent grimace on his face for the entire next day. He jumped half as high as usual, spiked half as less balls, ran half as fast, kicked Oikawa twice as much. At first, they thought he was being dramatic, but that wasn’t Iwaizumi’s style; he was passionate, not dramatic.

 

“ _Damn_ ,” Hanamaki hissed when they were changing in the club room.

 

Iwaizumi had a  _big ass_  purple and yellow and brown bruise on his upper thigh, disappearing beneath his briefs. Worst of all, it was in the shape of hand print.

 

Oikawa cringed at his handiwork.

 

———

 

Bonus:

 

“Mm, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa moaned, letting his head fall back in pleasure as Iwaizumi sucked on his neck. His hands ran up and down Oikawa’s backside, cupping his erection from between his legs.

 

Oikawa let out another loud moan, reaching down to palm Iwaizumi’s ass, too absorbed in his pleasure to think about what he was doing.

 

Iwaizumi flinched and bit hard on Oikawa’s neck before tearing away to glare up at him.

 

Oikawa gulped and immediately removed his hands, holding them up beside his head, “Shit shit shit, I am  _so_  sorry Iwa-chan, I forgot—“

 

“Just so you know,” Iwaizumi growled, “I’m _never_ letting you top again.”

**Author's Note:**

> just sayin, I am proud of this. Sorry iwa. Comment and kudos if you enjoyed!


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